So to indulge my own post-intellectual desire for bloodshed, I have taken the tenth chapter of Second Samuel and transcribed it into a meta-textual/graphical medium, hopefully, worthy of A&E. I hope this accomplishes an attempt at both filling in lacuna and exciting the violence minded thirteen year old inside of you. Just imagine that everything here is being read by an older gentleman with a very trustworthy voice.
(Second Samuel 10:6) - "When the Ammonites saw that they had become odious to David, the Ammonites sent and hired the Arameans of Beth-rehob and soldiers, as well as the king of Maacah, one thousand men, and the men of Tob, twelve thousand men. When David heard of it, he sent Joab and all the army with the warriors."
This is an example of a preeminent attack. King David, an expert strategist and divinely inspired patriarch, has noticed that the Ammonites have mobilized their forces as well as enlisted the help of multiple nations of mercenary warriors. The combined Ammonite forces number in the twenty thousands. Lined outside of the gates of their home, Rabbah, the Ammonites take up a rallying position outside of their capital city in preparedness for an attack on King David. Meanwhile, the young warrior king has sent his nephew, Joab, to take a strategically advantageous position against the Ammonite army.
Below is a found copy of a courier document sent to David by Joab on the verge of war. The orange forces are the Aramean mercenaries and Red forces are the Armenians. This document is property of the Pony, Montana Museum of Natural History and Anthropological Artifact Thievery Coalition.
(Second Samuel 10.9) - "When Joab saw that the battle was set against him both in front and in the rear, he chose some of the picked men of Israel, and arrayed them against the Arameans; the rest of of his men he put in the charge of his brother Abishai, and he arrayed them against the Ammonites."
Though Joab's forces arrived at Rabbah, supposedly against an unprepared enemy, the combined forces of the Ammonite nations literally swallowed the smaller Hebrew forces. Quick thinking, Joab separated his army into two divisions. One smaller and more elite force could take on the smaller but still formative mercenary element while the second army, filled out with conscripts and regulars could face the pincer. Notifying his brother that, despite the division of forces, their first concern was holding battle lines, Joab set out with his special division to face Arameans.
What follows is a letter preserved under a rock for thousands of years. It is an account of the battle by an army regular by the name of Charlie or "Chuck the Puck".
Dear Ma,
I hope all things are well on the farm. Tell hi to pa' for me and tell him that I feel mighty shameful bout missing the second harvest this season. Hopefully we'll give these Amminites a good ole whoopin and get our skedaddles home. The fightin' on the northern front is lookin' to be mighty fierce. Yesterday, General Joab sent his brother with a company of our best officers and enlisted men to the southern front. I don't know why but some of the fellas here are gettin' skittish since that kind of thing usually means we're all surrounded. But if there's sumpthin' we're good at, it's bein' surrounded by a bunch of angry folk lookin to do some hurt on us. But I figure if anybody could get us out of here it's ole Joab. Food still stinks, we just eat beans, no gravy. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doin' this whole kosher thing, pork sounds mighty fine in dem beans.
God Bless and Good Yuntif ma,
Charles "Chuck the Puck" Goldblum
(Second Samuel 10:13) - "So Joab and the people who were with him moved forward into battle against the Arameans; and they fled before him. When the Ammonites saw that the Arameans fled, they likewise fled before Abishai, and entered the city."
Joab, having won the battle, drove the whole of the Aramean armies back with his small band of elite warriors. After seeing such a small force drive back the larger and more ferocious Aramean forces back, the Ammonite ranks broke into a rout and to the safety of Rabbah. Taking a defensive position inside of the city, the Ammonite forces prepared for a prolonged siege against the Israeli forces. Joab, seeing that his work was done and his enemies pacified, decided to pull back instead of waging a protracted siege maneuver against Rabbah.
After the Battle of Rabbah, the Arameans rallied forces from around their lands and mobilized against David where they were then almost annihilated by the Hebrew king. With this loss, the kingdoms of Aramea and Ammon were fractured from each other. And everyone lived happily after ever.
/Cue credits
